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Christmas Humor


An Equestrian "Martha Stewart" Style Christmas

1. Take red and green tape and cover your horse's halter for a festive look.
2. Trim your horse's hooves with pinking shears and stencil a different holiday picture on each hoof.
3. Tie ribbons on the muck tub and decorate the handle with bells. Whenever your horse poops, skip up the aisle shaking the tub, humming "Here comes Santa Claus."
4. Spray paint the pitchfork gold and decorate with raffia and holly.
5. Place a fresh lemon slice in your horse's new silver water bucket.
6. Stamp out carrot and apple treats with copper cookie cutters and decorate with royal icing and a number 2 rosette tip.
7. Collect mane and tail hair and hang in wire baskets outside the barn for the birds.
8. Let the farm dogs drink eggnog from the toilet bowl.
9. Restuff all your pillows with horse hair saved from bodyclipping.
10. French braid your horse's tail intertwining red, gold, and green threads, and make him wear a Santa hat.
11. Dress up like Santa. Put antlers on your horse. Hitch him up to manure spreader and drive around the farm yelling "On Donner, On Blitzen, etc."
12. Use fresh manure to form manger scene figures. Use manure from your best horse for the Christ child.
13. Decorate yourself, your horse, and your tack with Xmas tree lights. Use methane from your most flatulent horse to power the whole system.
14. Soak your white polos in starch. While still wet, form into angels. When dry, hang up around the barn.
15. Coat the barn cats in Elmer's glue and roll in red and green glitter.
16. Take the chain harrow and spell out "Merry Christmas" in your neighbor's hay field so people in airplanes can read it.
17. Change cross ties in barn to braided red licorice. Hot glue candy canes at 3 inch intervals.
18. Fill the automatic waterers with hot buttered rum.
19. Hang mistletoe over the stallion's door and let all the "girls" stop by for a kiss.
20. Train your geldings to write "Merry Christmas" in the snow!


TWAS THE BARN BEFORE CHRISTMAS

Twas The Night Before Christmas
The Barn Was A-Buzzzzz
With Whinnies And Nickers
'Cause That's What Horse Does!
The Legend Was Echoed
Through All Of The Walls
Excitement Was Mounting
In All Of The Stalls!
The Weanlings, In Wonder
Had Heard Of The Tale
As They All Gathered Round
To Munch On A Bale!
The Fillies, The Geldings,
The Stallions And Mares
Then Told Of The Legend
Amidst Wide Eyed Stares.
When All Of A Sudden
They Heard On The Roof
The Flutter Of Wings
The Landing Of Hoof!
His Wings How They Glistened
His Whinny So Proud
As He Entered The Barn
Astounding The Crowd ... 
Who Stood There Awaiting
The Pegasus Dear
The Truth Of The Legend
Was Blatantly Clear!
The Rider Descended
From Pegasus' Back
His Hat And His Boots
Were Glistening Black
His Spurs How They Jingled
With A Wonderful Song
That Would Echo In Memories
For All The Year Long!
He Gave Out The Gifts
Of Carrots And Treats
Then Sprang To His Saddle
For A Hasty Retreat...
For The Hour Was Late
And He Just Had To Leave
But Now, All The Weanlings
Would Finally Believe!
And As Pegasus Flew Then
Away In The Night
The Horses Enchanted
By The Wondrous Sight
Had Hearts Filled With Joy
And The Barn Filled With Love
And Mares Will Tell Foals
Of Pegasus From Above!

Submitted by Ruffian


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