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Horse Humor

 
  
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A funny thing happened on the way to the barn...


You Know You Have A Dressage Rider's TackRoom when...

1. You own dozens of snaffle bits and they're all exactly alike.
2. You have so many snaffle bridles that students look disgusted when you say, "Go get the snaffle bridle."
3. You own every style of bootjack but still need help getting your boots off.
4. You own every size, shape, and color spurs come in.
5. You own the gallon size container of horse treats.
6. Your last jumping saddle is getting dusty.
7. You own lots of dressage and lunging whips.
8. You let everyone borrow anything except your favorite dressage saddle.
9. You own every size, shape, and color dressage saddle pads come in.
10. Your favorite girth is the one from the saddleseat catalog.
11. You own every style of gel pad available.
12. Your favorite gloves are falling apart but you can't bear the thought of throwing them out.
13. You found a mouse nest at the bottom of the pile of unrolled polo wraps.
14. Your favorite trophy is the plaster cast of your seat from the custom saddle maker.
15. You favorite blue ribbon is from that show that no longer exists.

Contributed by Beth Collier


Click here for The Classical Method for Bucking page


Click here for the New Trainer page


 

All I Need to Know in Life I Learned From My Horse

1. When in doubt, run far, far away.
2. You can never have too many treats.
3. Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
4. New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
5. Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
6. Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
7. Never run when you can jog. Never jog when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
8. Heaven is eating for at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
10. Eat plenty of roughage.
11. Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
12. When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
13. In times of crisis, take a poop.
14. Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
15. Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
16. A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
17. Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

Submitted by Elaine Steele, Idaho


Click here for The Cowboy Poem page


 

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU IGNORE THE INSTRUCTIONS ON
BOTTLES OF EASY-BOOT GLUE..........

#1. Make sure that you practice putting on the boot before you pour in the glue.
"Don't have to do that-even though this is brand new boot, I'm sure it will go on just like the old one.."

#2. Be sure to wear gloves.
"I'll just be really careful--No gloves, no prob!"

#3. Be sure to protect your clothing.
"I'll just be really careful..........."

#4. Pour 1/4 cup from each bottle into a cup.........
"I'll just kind of approximate like I do when I cook (because I'm such a fabulous cook!!!!!!!)"

AND THE FINAL OUTCOME:

Mixing the stuff up ... so far so good. Pour into boot (seems like an awful lot). Try to apply boot ... it's NOT going on!!!! Trying to pry on with screw driver ... pushing and pulling ... HORRIBLE STICKY FOAM IS OOZING OUT OF THE BOOT!!!! It's everywhere!!! I can't hold the foot up any longer ... have to set it down. My right hand is stuck to the easy boot! The screwdriver is stuck to my pants!! Gasping for breath - I try again ... Hay is stuck all over the boot ... and on my pants ... and now on my hand and horses leg! The boot is on but it is horribly twisted ... I have to take it off!!

The rest I can't even talk about except to say ... my pants are permanently rubberized - there is a screw driver forever stuck to the wheel well of the trailer - My horse still has hay stuck to her leg - my hands, three days after the "event", are the consistency of hay-infested elephant skin - and my brand new easy boot looks like a tiny bale of hay.

SOOOOO - the moral of the story would have to be ....... read the instructions!


Click here for Christmas Humor page


The Horse Dictionary

Arena: Place where humans can take the fun out of forward motion.
Bit: Means by which a rider's every motion is transmitted to the extremely sensitive tissues of the mouth.
Bucking: Counterirritant.
Crossties: Gymnastic apparatus.
Dressage: Process by which some riders can eventually be taught to respect the bit.
Fence: Barrier that protects good grazing.
Grain: Sole virtue of domestication.
Hitching rail: Means by which to test one's strength.
Horse trailer: Mobile cave bear den.
Jump: An opportunity for self-expression.
Latch: Type of puzzle.
Longeing: Procedure for keeping a prospective rider at bay.
Owner: Human assigned responsibility for one's feeding. 
Rider: Owner overstepping its bounds.
Farrier: Disposable surrogate owner useful for acting out aggression without compromising food supply.
Trainer: Owner with mob connections. 
Veterinarian: Flightless albino vulture.

Submitted by Margaret Juergensmeyer


Click here for Basic Rules for Horses Who Have a Barn to Protect page


Top Ten Reasons Why I Like My Horse
(Much better than my ex-husband)

1. A horse will never ask to borrow money.
2. Horses are physically incapable of grabbing the remote control and keeping it.
3. A horse will never tell you that you cooked his dinner wrong.
4. A horse will never tell you that he's got another girl.
5. A horse will never call you up (drunk) at 2:30 am and ask for a ride home.
6. Very few bill collectors will call and ask for your horse.
7. When a horse hangs out with his buddies, they usually stay out of jail.
8. A horse is not aware of football, baseball, basketball, or golf seasons.
9. A horse knows no four-letter words.
10. Horses do not have to be forced to trim the lawn.

Contributed by Susan Grant


An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."


To Right A Horse 

Mounting a horse is actually very easy if it is done properly. A rider can only mount a horse from one side because a horse only likes to be mounted from one side. The left side is right and the right side is wrong. You're right to be left and wrong to be right. If you mount from the front, you mount from the right, which is then the left because your right is its left, and the left the right, keeping in mind that the left is right and the right is wrong. Put your left to your right and step so your right is to the wrong and now your right is opposite its left and left the right. To right right is to the left and to right is wrong is to the right, but backwards, the right is right and the left is wrong only when your right is on its wrong, and the left is on its right. Switching right to left and left to right is wrong. Right is wrong and left is right only from the front or else the left is right and the right is wrong. 

 


Click here for Welcome to Horse-Aholics Anonymous page


My wife has a Quarter Horse, with shortened mane and extra long tail.
She thinks he is the finest thing that ever jogged a rail.
She calls him Dandy Darling, and if the truth I tell,
That fancy pampered Quarter Horse has made my life pure hell!

My wife she used to cook for me and serve it with champagne.
But now she'd rather feed that horse and fix him special grain!
She rides him every morning, and grooms him half the night.
And the last time that she kissed ME, was just to be polite!

He dresses better than I do, with matching wraps and ties.
My wardrobe's so neglected now, that I attract the flies!
One day my wife was shopping, she was way down at the mall.
And fancy, pampered DANDY was just a standing in his stall.

He looked so smug and sassy, that I began to grin.
I'd saddle that fat sucker up, and take him for a spin!!
I've wondered since if the cues I gave, he may have misconstrued.
Cause when I climbed aboard that horse, he rightly came UNGLUED!!!!

He bucked and spun, and snorted fire, then threw me through a fence!
I saw big stars and there are 6 teeth, that I ain't heard from since!
My wife came home and saw me, just a lying in the dirt.
She rushed up to her HORSE and asked him, "Sweetheart are you HURT?"

He'd scratched his nose a little bit, and the memory galls me yet......
She left me lying in the mud, and ran to call the VET!!!
~Author Unknown~


Top 10 Ways You Know That Martha Stewart Has Been in Your Barnyard

10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from each halter.
9. The horse's hooves have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The horse treats are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The manure fork has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in each new silver water bucket.
5. You find carrot & apple treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Mane & tail hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of each stall.
2. Your horse goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted blanket with matching leg wraps.
1. The manure pile has been sculpted into swans.

Contributed by Margie Juergensmeyer


Click here for Strange Horse Laws page


Chain Letter

Dear Horse Owner:

Are you experiencing too many second and third finishes behind inferior horses at horse shows?  During a trail ride, does your horse forget everything he was bred to do?

Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you.  Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost any money.  

Simply send a copy to six other horse owners who are dissatisfied with the way that their horse is behaving.  Also, bundle up your horse and send him/her to the horse owner at the top of list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.  Do not use a return address or the post office may try to contact you.  

In one week you should receive 16,436 horses, and at least one of them should be a keeper.  

Have faith in this.  Do not break the chain.  One owner broke the chain and got his own horse back.  

Good luck!

Contributed by:  Lynn G., MT


Click here for Husbands vs. Horses page


The Truth About Breeder Lingo
what they say...and what it really means

1. Noted Judge - He pinned my horse.
2. Respected Judge - He pinned my horse twice.
3. Shown Sparingly - Only when we had the judge in our pocket.
4. Show Prospect - Four legs, two eyes, a mane, and a tail.
5. Placed in Five Shows - and 89 others where he did nothing.
6. Won in Heavy Competition - Three horses in the maiden class.
7. Lots of Pizazz - Hasn't been out of his stall for three days.
8. Limited Showing - Owner broke.
9. Terrific Angulation - Cow hocked and sickle hocked.
10. Personality Plus - Might wake up if you stick a carrot up his nose.
11. Good Bite - Missed the judge, but got the steward.
12. Excels in Movement - When she spooks, she can pass any horse in the ring.
13. Three Good Gaits - and four or five others we can't name.
14. Handled Exclusively By - no one else can get near him.
15. At Stud to Approved Mares - Those in season.
16. Terrific Pedigree - Old champion Whatsisname is twice in the fifth generation.
17. Good Broodmare - Don't dare try to show in the ring.
18. Lots of Drive - Untrainable.
19. Great Stallion Prospect - Will breed anything from the neighbor's cow on up.
20. Plan Your 2XXX Breeding Season Now - Call the stud owner two days before your horse is due to come into season.

Contributed by:  Lynn G., MT


Click here for Riches to Rags page


Top 10 Signs Your Dressage Test Needs Some Work
By Emily Sorenson (age 13) and Meghan Jackson (age 17)

1. Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job."
2. Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavaletti; exits at K
3. Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home.
4. Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline. (This will probably be me and Hot Spot." :-)
5. Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars.
6. Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the nearest patch of grass.
7. Your working trot had you working harder than your horse.
8. In your salute your inadvertently use your whip hand causing your horse to perform airs above the ground. 
9. Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium".
10. Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery near letters. 

Emily got 2nd in her first outing at training level!
I Was so inspired by Emily's ten signs I thought I'd make up some of my own.

1. Your horse's response to the canter aid is "Can't, er, what?"
2. Your twenty meter circle involved jumping the rail twice.
3. Your halt took place in the judge's lap, instead of at X.
4. Your thoroughbred interpreted elasticity to involve trying to kick himself in the head with his back feet during the "working canter".
5. Your horse entered the arena at A, and M, and H, and B...
6. Judge's comments include words like "unusual, dramatic, explosive, and tragic".
7. Leg-yields involve your leg yielding before the horse does.
8. Free walk was interpreted by your Arab to involve prancing, a rear, and a few bucks.
9. The judge asks you take the broken letters with you when you leave.
10. Voodoo dolls of your horse were found in the possession of the show's grounds manager.


Click here for the Murphy's Horse and Mule Laws page


Who Can Open the Gate

This story takes you to a big pasture, filled with a lovely bunch of horses.  A question has just been asked amid the herd. 
Let's listen in on the conversation among the many breeds of horses. 
............"Who Can Open the Gate?"............
Lipizzan:  No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!!
Thoroughbred:  I don't want to mess with that gate and I am too scared of flying! I will just jump over it and leave you all behind.
Paint:  Yeah, what he said! Na Na Na Na Na Na!
Palomino:  Forget it. Count me out. I am not taking any chances of messing up my chrome!
Arabian:  You'll have to get somebody else to do it. I'm not messin' up my nails for no one!
Quarter Horse:  Maybe if I push on it with my big buns, I could open it!
Standardbred:  Pity on all of you. I'll figure it out, just give me some time.
Polo Pony:  Wait just a minute, let me get my stick and give it a few bloody wacks!
Shetland:  Let me at it. I'll break the stupid thing! Then you all can get out of my face.
Mule:  Oh, let's just pack it in and call it a day.
Saddlebred:  Now, now. I'll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes?
Fresian:  I'll do it! Do you think it will mess up my hair? I always have such good hair days.
Mustang:  Heck with opening it, how about I just run the whole darn fence over?
Belgian:  Step back! You all aren't strong enough to do it. I'll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?
Morgan:  There, there. I'll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?
Appaloosa:  Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving till I say so!
Percheron:  I have already opened the gate while you all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it will be awhile before I have to listen to all of you argue again!

Contributed by: 
Shelly Bataglia Mcloud, OK


Show me a polka-dot pony and I'll show you a horse of a different color!


The thunder god went for a ride on his favorite filly.
"I'm Thor!" he cried.
The horse answered, "You forgot the thaddle, thilly."


Click here for "How Many Horses Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?" page.


Horse #1: I'm sure glad I'm not a bird.  I could get hurt!
Horse #2: Why is that?
Horse #1: I can't fly.


We lost our horse. It got away while we were on vacation.
Why not put an ad in the newspaper "Lost & Found" column?
Don't be ridiculous.  He can't read!


I went riding today.
Horseback?
Sure. It came back before I did.


I came down with laryngitis last week.
One day, while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?."
I responded, "I'm feelin a little horse."


Click here for Horse Riddles page.


If one horse and rider is traveling in one direction down a narrow pass at 20mph, and another horse and rider is coming toward at 25mph, when will they meet?
Sooner than they want to!


The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp.
He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes.
He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel.

"They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked.
"I'm tired of walking everywhere -- I want to just ride the horse.  The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse."
"But the squirrel?" asked the genie.
"I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!"


Mutt:  Did you hear about the cannibal horse?
Jeff:  Don't be silly, horses don't eat other horses.
Mutt:  This one ate his own fodder.


Click here for Horse Health Care page.


Did you hear about the horse that got a job in a watch factory?
All he did was stand around making faces.


The Beginning of the End...

A friend gives you a horse... 
You build a small shelter...$750 
You fence in a paddock...$450 
Purchase small truck to haul hay...$12,000 
Purchase a 2 horse trailer...$2,800 
Purchase 2nd horse...$2,500 
Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000 
More fencing...$1,200 
Purchase 3rd horse...$3,000 
Purchase 4 horse trailer...$17,500 
Purchase larger truck...$23,000 
Purchase 4 acres next door...$38,000 
More fencing...$2,000 
Build small barn...$18,000 
Purchase camper for truck...$9,000 
Purchase tractor...$23,000 
Purchase 4th & 5th horse...$6,500 
Purchase 20 acres...$285,000 
Build house...$185,000 
Build barn...$56,000 
More fencing & corrals...$24,000 
Build covered arena...$182,000 
Purchase Dually...$44,000 
Purchase gooseneck w/living quarters...$45,000 
Purchase 6th, 7th & 8th horse...$10,750 
Hire full time trainer...$50,000 
Build house for trainer...$84,000 
Buy motor home for shows...$125,000 
Hire attorney -- spouse leaving you for trainer...$35,000 
Declare bankruptcy, spouse gets everything. 
Friend feels sorry for you...gives you a horse.....

Submitted by Tracy


What's the difference between a horse and a mattababy?
What's a mattababy?
Nothing.  What's the matter with you?


Isaac Asimov retells the following story...

Ms. Jones, proprietress of a well populated boarding house, awoke one morning at about 4 a.m. hearing the most terrible noises outside our bedroom. She threw open the door and outside she could see Mr. Smith, one of her borders, much the worse for drink and forcing a horse upstairs.
"Mr. Smith", she shrieked, "what are you doing?"
He said, "I am pushing the horse into the bathroom."
"But why?"
"Because the other borders are wise guys, that's why.  In the morning, one by one, the borders will go into the bathroom; and one by one, they will come out shrieking, "There's a horse in the bathroom!"
Then it will be my turn to be the wise guy, for each time I will be able to say, in a calm and superior way, "Yes, I know."


Click here for Horse Riding Academy page.


A man's car stalls on a country road.  When he gets out to fix it, a horse in the nearby field comes up along side the fence and leans over by him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," says the horse.
Startled, the man jumps back and runs down the road until he meets a farmer.  He tells the farmer his story.
"Was it a large white horse with a black mark over the right eye?" asks the farmer.
"Yes, Yes," the man replies.
"Oh, I wouldn't listen to her," says the farmer, "she doesn't know anything about cars."


A particular farmer was in search of a horse.
"I've got the horse for you", said the liveryman, "He's five years old, sound as a dollar and goes ten miles without stopping."
"Not for me," he said, "not for me. I live eight miles from town, and with that horse I will have to walk back two miles."


Click here for the Horse History, Legends & Boasts page


Bobby's horse was playing games on the computer when Bobby's father walked in to the room.
"That horse is amazing!" said Bobby's father.
"Not really," say Bobby.  "He's already lost three games."


Did you try surf-riding in California?
I tried to, but I couldn't get the horse near the water.


A farmer had a prize show horse and every year the farmer entered the horse in the local fair and won first prize for grooming and appearence.  One year, just before the fair, the farmer's horse was plagued by small birds nesting in its mane.  The farmer was desperate to get rid of the birds so he took yeast and sprinkled it over the mane of his horse.  Within a week all of the birds were gone. The moral of the story is, "Yeast is yeast and nest is nest and never the mane shall tweet".


Click here for the Horse Religion page


Two city fellows vacationing in the country hired a horse and buggy for a little outing. Upon reaching their destination, the horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished for an hour or two. When they were ready to go back, a difficulty at once presented itself, inasmuch as neither of the city fellows knew how to reharness the horse. Every effort in that direction met with dire failure, and the worst problem was properly adjusting the bit. The horse himself seemed to resent the idea of going into harness again. Finally one of the firends, in great disgust, sat down in the road.
"There's only one thing to do, Bill", said he.
"What's that?" asked Bill.
"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!?


If everyone had a horse ... the country would be more 'stabilized'.


Murphy's Twelth Law:
You can't lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.


Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.


Nobody Claimed This Law: 
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.


Click here to for the Horse Tradings page.


"Mother", said a little boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses."
"Are you sure?" asked his mother.
"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."


We lost our horse. It got away while we were on vacation.
Why not put an ad in the newspaper "Lost & Found" column?
Don't be ridiculous.  He can't read!


Click here for the Horse Politics page.


Marge won't talk to me since I took her horseback riding.
She could be sore about something.


A horse showed up at a ballpark.  He headed for the manager and said much to the manager's surprise, "I'd like to try out for the team."

The manager eventually recovered from hearing a horse talk and said, "Ready?   Let me see you catch a few."

The horse walked to 3rd base and caught every ball hit to him.  The manager asked him to throw.  The horse whisked the ball toward the first baseman with amazing accuracy and speed.  Picking up a a heavy bat a few minutes later, the horse proceeded to hit ball after ball over the centerfield fence.  The manager said, "Not bad at all.  Now let me see your run."

The horse said, "If I could run, I'd be in the Kentucky Derby!"


Click here for Horse Races page.


Horse definition of Bach Chorale:- Out behind the barn where you keep the horse.


A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge black frying pan. Boing!
Man: "What was that for?!"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Boing!!
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called!"


Horse sense is found usually in people with a stable mind.


There once was a horse named Boing
Who had a strange way of going.
He'd spring up in the air
And hover with flair....
Capriole seeds, he was sowing.!

Contributed by: C. Bishop


A horseback riding trip had been orgainzed and everyone was going through the orientation, i.e. "anyone ever ridden (seen?) a horse before?", etc.

Everyone's told: "It's simple. The horses are all neck rein trained. Hold the reins in one hand. To turn left, move the reins left. To turn right, move the reins right. If you pull back on the reins, the horse will slow down, then back up. To make the horse go, kick gently."

At this point, someone exclaims: "Oh, I get it, it's a point and kick user interface."


There was a young peasant named Gorse
Who fell madly in love with his horse
Said his wife, "You Rapscallion,
That horse is a stallion-
This constitutes ground for divorce.
"


Click here for "Relationships: A Horse and The Difference between Men and Women".


Scientists recently succeeded in genetically engineering a way to turn zebra's stripes to a uniform color...It is called horse!


Lou Holtz (legendary Notre Dame football coach) told the story of the farmer with the large farm cart that needed to be pulled by his one horse. Needing to motivate the horse to maximum ability, he called out to the horse "....on Sandy", and snapped his horse whip in the air; but the horse doesn't move. Next he calls out "...on Daisy", snaps his whip in the air; again, the horse doesn't move. Tries "...on Beauty", snaps the whip...nothing. Next the man calls out "...on Dusty", snaps the whip, and the horse starts pulling the cart.
A bystander, having watched all this, goes up to the farmer and says, "If you knew the horse's name, why didn't you call that one out first?"
To which the farmer replied, "Dusty's blind; if she thought she had to pull that cart all by herself, we would've never got going."


Horse Logic Theory (Simplified)

A proof that a horse has an infinite number of legs:

By inspection and symmetry we see that a horse has an even number of legs.
However, when we count them, we see he has two legs in the back and forelegs in the front, which is a total of six legs.
Six is certainly an odd number of legs for a horse.
The only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
Therefore, a horse has an infinite number of legs.

If you are amazed by what you have just discovered and want to learn more, or you simply enjoy seeing terms like: probability theory, inductive logic, calculus -- click here for the Advanced Horse Logic Theory page.


A woman was riding her horse beside a creek one day when she heard a voice call out "You there!.. down here.. I'm on this rock! "
She looks down to see a frog on a rock. The frog says, "Pick me up!  I am a handsome prince and if you kiss me , I will turn back into one and make you VERY HAPPY!"
She gets down from her horse and picks up the frog and puts him in her pocket and continues to ride.
The frog yells, "HEY , I TOLD YOU, I AM A HANDSOME PRINCE ... KISS ME AND YOU WILL SEE!!"
The woman takes the frog out of pocket, holds him in her palm and says, "Now frog, I am a Dressage rider and I don't have time for any handsome prince..... But a talking frog, now THAT'S COOL! "

Contributed by: C. Bishop


My horse is very polite. Whenever we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!


Click here for Horses, Cowboys and the Wild West.


A camel is a horse designed by a committee of economists.


A farmer couldn't tell his two horses apart, so he tried cutting the tail off one horse. This was no good because the tail grew right back. Then he cut the mane off the other horse. This didn't work either, because the mane grew back. Finally he measured them and found that the white horse was two inches taller than the black horse.


A horse is tied up at a hitching post. A little dog comes along and starts playing around the horse. The horse gets annoyed and starts pawing the ground. The dog look up and asks "What are you doing that for?" The horse looks down and says, "Well I'll be darned, a talking dog!"


Mutt and Jeff went shopping for horses.
When they each had found the horse they wanted, they were in a quandary.
"How will we tell which horse is yours and which is mine?" asked Mutt
"You crop your horse's ears, and I'll leave mine as they are!" answered Jeff.
"No!!! That would hurt your horse!" said Mutt, "I'll cut my horse's tail, and you keep your horse's tail long."
"No, no!!!" shouted Jeff," horses need their tails long for balance!!"
"I know!!" exclaimed Mutt, "Branding!!! I'll put a big 'X' on the rear of my horse, and you put a big 'Y' on the front of your horse."
"No, no, no!!! My horse is too beautiful to mark up like that!" yelled Jeff.
"I've got it!!!" Mutt said. "You take the black one, I'll take the white one!"


Click here to for the Horse Minimalism page.


An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car.
In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?"
Samuel: Well ... let me explain.
Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury.
Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him
injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'


... and then there was the Amish farmer who's horse and buggy got 5 hours to the mile


Old man Perkin's favorite horse was lost -- it had apparently just wondered off somewhere into the woods. Perkins and his neighbors searched and called for the animal, but with no result. Finally, one fellow went off alone into the woods and presently came back with the missing animal. Asked how he found him when no one else could, the fellow said: "Wal, I jest sat myself down and said to myself, "Now, ef I wuz a hoss, where wud I go?" And I did, and the hoss did."


And now, for some horse reality checking...


A Real Dressage Test: Basic Level

A Enter extraordinary serpentine
X Halt
G Try again.
C Freeze in horror at Judge's stand. Take opportunity to salute hurriedly.
C Track to left in counterflexed bolt.
E Irregular polyhedron left, 20 meters, plus or less 5 meters
FXH Change rein unextended jig.
H Canter, or counter canter, or crosscanter
M-F Working out-of-hand gallop
C Down center line, working trot bouncing
X Pulley rein. Halt. Salute, exhale.
Leave arena in free walk, loose language under breath.

For a Real Horse Vocabulary (glossary of terms), click here.


To find out if you're a Real Horse Person, click here.


How to make a small fortune in the horse industry ...
Start with a large fortune.


I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness...the store manager came and unplugged it!


The Top Ten Reasons To Ride Dressage
10. Found ice-fishing too stimulating.
9. I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine.
8. Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at.
7. Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular.
6. My chiropractor needs a new car.
5. Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go - aka. the barn.
4. Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool.
3. My lawyer wanted me to have 3 judges.
2. Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges.
1. I had way too much money in my bank account.


Click here for the Horses In The News page.


Want a stable relationship?
Get a horse!


Horse owner's Latin motto: "Equus.....Costus.....Muchus"


A horse walks into a bar, orders a soda, sits down at one of the tables, and starts reading his paper.

The waiter is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the soda, and brings it over to the horse, who hands him a ten dollar bill for it. Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'short-change' trick on him. He duly goes back to the horse with 1 dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his soda and goes up to the bar to order another. Says the bartender to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."

To which the horse replies, "At nine dollars a soda, I'm not surprised.


A fellow in a state of total inebriation put the pommel toward his horse's tail. when it was pointed out to him, he said, "Mind your business. How do you know which way I am gohing?"


A white horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman says to the horse, do you know that we have a drink named after you. The horse says, "I didn't know that you had a drink called Fred!".


And lastly, no compendium of horse humor would be complete without:

A horse walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, "Why the long face?".


 

Click here for the Absolutely NOTHING to do with Horses page.


 

Entries on this page are submitted from various sources via the Internet. Unless otherwise noted, authors are unknown.

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