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Horses, Cowboys and the Wild West
Horses, Cowboys and the Wild West


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Roy Rogers was out riding Trigger one day and as he approached the outcropping of rock near the bottom of a butte, a mountain lion jumped off the rock and charged at him.  Roy was quick and Trigger was quicker and they managed to avoid being seriously injured by the lion.  However Roy was wearing a brand new pair of Tony Lamas, made of some exotic and endangered animal's skin and the lion scratched and bit the boots up pretty badly.  Roy rode back to the bunk house and grabbed his trusty saddle gun and rode back to the rock and made short work of the mountain lion.  He then threw the carcass over the rear of Trigger and rode back to the ranch.  As he approached the ranch he noticed Dale Evans standing on the porch. She was dressed in her skirt with fringe on the bottom and a wagon and team embroidered on the front.  She had on her hat with the stampede strap pulled under her chin.   As Roy and Trigger rode up Roy heard her say, "Pardon me Roy is that the Cat that chewed your new shoes?"          Contributed by W. Smith


The cowboy rushed into to saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?"
There was silence in the saloon.
"'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy.
With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"
The cowboy looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowd hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like to know, the first coat's dry!"


Tenderfoot:  How do you lead a wild stallion?
Cowboy;  It's simple.  First you get a rope.  Then you tie it to the wild stallion.
Tenderfoot:  And then?
Cowboy:  And then you find out where the wild stallion wants to go.


Cowboy:  There's a man in the circus who jumps on a horse's aback, slips underneath, catches hold of his tail and finished on the horse's neck.
Tenderfoot: That's nothing.  I did all those things the first time I rode a horse!


Two horses were grazing contentedly in the open pasture, and buffalo could be seen roaming in the far distance,  when a cowboy rode up along side the horses.  After looking the animals over, he exclaimed, "You two are the sorriest excuses for horses I have ever seen."  As the cowboy rode off, the one horse said to the other, "I think we just heard a discouraging word."


1st tenderfoot:  Can you you ride a horse?
2nd tenderfoot:  Don't know.  Couldn't stay on one long enough to find out.


An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams out west.
"So what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when came to visit. "We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy, couldn't agree on anything.  We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch.
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So where are all the horses?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."


The tenderfoot thought he could ride, so he mounted the pony.
A moment later he painfully picked himself out of the dust in one corner of the corral.
"Man, oh man," he said, "but she bucked something fierce."
"Bucked?" said a nearby cowboy, "She only coughed!"
Horses, Cowboys and the Wild West

Two cowboys were riding across the range when one of their horses died, so they both got on the one remaining horse and continued riding. In a few minutes, the one on the rear shouted that an indian was approaching. The one in the front asked, "How big is he?" Holding his hands about 12 inches apart the one on the rear said, "This high."
In a few minutes, the one on the front asked, "Now, how big is he?"
The cowboy on the rear replied, holding his hands 3 feet apart, "This high."
In a few more minutes, the front cowboy asked again, "Now, how big is he?"
Holding his hand 6 feet above the ground, the rear cowboy replied, "This high."
So the front cowboy yelled, "Quick! Grab my pistol there and shoot him!"
Holding his hands 12 inches apart again, the one on the rear replied, "I can't! I've known him since he was this high."


A cowboy goes into a saloon, has a drink, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the saloon, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you thieves stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more drink and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna haf to do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another drink, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the saloon and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I hadda walk home."


"Wow", said the city slicker as he watched a blacksmith put a horseshoe on a horse.  "When you finish building that one, could you make me a horse, too?"


Old west... A saloon... All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and a cowboy in black enters... Black hat, black foulard, black shirt, black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black pair of guns...
Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the bartender, and asks: "Do you have a bucket?"
The bartender runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back.
The cowboy in black looks to the bucket, and orders: "Now, bring me three bottles of whisky."
Seconds later: "Pour them into the bucket."
And, then: "And now, bring this to my horse outside."
The frightened and surprised bartender does what the cowboy in black tells him to do.
He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely in black harness.
It drinks all the whisky at once.
Then the bartender returns back inside the bar.
The cowboy very carefully looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks: "What do I owe for this?"
The bartender, while calculating the price, asks: "Won't you drink anything?"
The cowboy in black replies: "No. I don't drink and drive."


There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rear.
Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?"
To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips."
Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?"
"No, but it stops me from licking them!"


There was this cowboy and he had been riding his horse across the great plains on his way to California nonstop.

Both he and his horse had gone days without sleep. As he rode in to one of the few towns on his trip he decided to stop in at the saloon and get a drink to satisfy his thirst. As he got off his horse he realized that since his horse had not slept in a few days it might fall asleep now that they had finally stopped and it might take a few hours to wake his horse up.

He approached a young indian who just happen to be walking by and told him of his predicament. He then asked the indian if he could run back and forth in front of his horse to keep it awake while he was tending his thirst in the saloon. The indian agreed to help him out.

After a few drinks the cowboy forgot about the trip as he made friends and drank down round after round in the saloon. As the hours past a grizzled old cowboy entered the front door of the saloon and asked who owned the brown and white horse out front. The cowboy who owned the horse said "I do, so what about it?" "Well," replied the old cowboy, "you left the INGIN' RUNNING......
"

[Please accept our apologies...we couldn't resist it.]


A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a drink. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. None spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. The sheriff walks in and of course he arrests him immediately - for rustling.


Rancher:   You want to work around here?  Can you shoe horses?
Prospective cowhand:  No, but I can shoo flies.


An Indian asked an Oklahoma bank for a loan of $300. "What security have you got?" the banker asked him.
"Got 150 horses."
This was satisfactory so the loan was granted.
Several weeks later the Indian came into the bank, pulled out a huge roll of bills, counted off the $300 plus interest due the bank, and started to leave. The banker said, "Why don't you let us take care of the rest of that money for you. You've got an awful lot of cash there."
"Who many horses you got?" asked the Indian.


The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day. The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.

After a few seconds he rose and said "Horses come."

The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Man, you're smart, how do you know horses will come through here?"

Tonto replied, "Face sticky."


[Ed: Apparently Gene Spafford first posted this in early 1984]

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West. (This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws, tornados and droughts--not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hot tubs, mellowspeak, fires and earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and tough he was, and the owner of the bar was pleased with how he broke up fights and didn't skim too much off the receipts. He told Fred that he (Fred) was doing a fine job, but he should remember one thing: "If you ever hear even a rumor that Mad Martin is coming to town, just save what you can, put a bottle of Red Eye on the counter, and head out of town as fast as you can."

Fred was pretty perplexed at this, and sought explanation. He was told that Mad Martin was an old mountain man who lived up in the hills and only came to town once or twice a year. However, Martin was the most dangerous guy they'd ever heard of and few had ever encountered him and lived to tell the tale. Fred listened carefully and then promptly forgot all about it.

Until, one day a few months later, a cowboy came riding through town at full speed, yelling, "Martin's coming!  Head for the hills!" The result was incredible. Everybody in town immediately jumped on their horses  [Note the word 'horse' does appear! -Ed.] and took off for the hills.


Except Fred.  He wanted to see this guy because he didn't believe he could be all that tough. So, Fred just put the bottle of Red Eye on the bar, hid behind the counter, and waited.

He didn't wait long. Soon there was a noise in the street.  As Fred looked out a hole in the wall, he saw this huge, mean-looking guy ride down the center of the street on the biggest bull buffalo that Fred had ever seen. The guy stopped the buffalo in front of the bar, jumped off the beast, punched it in the head (dropping the critter to its knees) and bellowed, "Wait here 'til I get back!" The fellow turned and walked up the steps. Fred saw that the guy had a pair of huge mountain lions on leashes. He tied them both to a post and kicked them soundly, hollering, "You pussycats stay here 'til I'm done!" The cats fearfully sat down.

Into the bar stormed the fellow, ripping the doors off the wall as he passed. With two strides he approached the bar, picked up the bottle of Red Eye, bit off the neck, and downed it all in one gulp. Poor Fred, thoroughly frightened by now, let out a little whimper. The guy looked down over the bar and roared, "What do you think you're looking at!?"

Fred managed to say, "N..n..n..nothing, mister. Do you want another bottle of Red Eye?"

To which the fellow replied, "I don't have time! I gotta get out of here--Mad Martin's coming!"


Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.


COWBOY'S VALENTINE:

O my dirty, low-down, rotten, cotton-picking little darling
Has up and left and gone.
O crazy no-account little cowgirl
Has up and run off with her old cowboy. (O Boy!)

O my eyes are red (Are red!)
>From all the tears I've shed,
And my throat is sore from all the crying, (Boo Hoo!)
And my horse, of course, is blue too
For my dirty low-down rotten cotton-picking little darling lover too!
(Boo Hoo!)

----Truck Shackley and the Texas Critters

Originally from: gene.brooks@juno.com (Gene Brooks)
Originally dated: Fri, 14 Feb 1997 08:24:54 EST


Horses, Cowboys and the Wild West?


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