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Horse Health Care

Owner: You've to to help me, Doc. My horse is starting to believe he's a pretzel.
Vet: Well, I'll see if I can straighten him out.

Owner: Doc, my horse thinks he's a bullfrog.
Vet: Hmmm, how long has this thing been going on?
Owner: Ever since he was a little tadpole.

Doctor, my horse thinks he's a ten-pound note.
Vet:  Go shopping.  You need the change.

Doctor, can you help my horse out?
Vet:  Certainly, which way did he come in?

Vet:     What's wrong with your horse?
Owner: He thinks he's a chicken.
Vet:     How long has this been going on?
Owner: Oh, about 6 months.
Vet:     6 months?  Why didn't you bring him in sooner?
Owner: Because we needed the eggs!

Did you hear about the vet surgeon who cut off the horse's left side by mistake?
No, I didn't.  How's the horse?
Oh, he's all right now.

Owner: Doctor, my horse is acting funny today.  What should I do?
Vet: Go on television.

How long should veterinarians practice medicine on horses?
Until they get it right.

A horse is brought in to the vet with a cucumber in his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a bananna in his right ear. 
The owner ask: What's the matter with it?
The vet replies: Well, it's not eating properly.

The owner of a dude ranch boasted that he had the best horse in the world.
"I was riding him through the woods one day when he stumbled over a rock.  I fell from the saddle and broke my leg."
"Don't tell me," the city visitor said, "that the horse reset your leg!"
"No, but he grapped my be the belt, dragged me home, and called a doctor."
"I'm glad everthing turned out so well." said the visitor.
"Not really. That dumb animal called a horse doctor."

Doctor, my horse thinks it's a bird.
Vet: Have it perch over there and I'll tweet it in a moment.

Vet Assistant: How is the horse who swallowed the half dollar?
Vet: No change yet.

Horse: Doctor, I have lettuce growing out of my ear.
Vet: Yes, I see. How did that happen?
Horse: I don't know, I planted carrots!

What does a polite vet say when he is about to operate on a horse?
May I cut in?

On Timmy's birthday, his parents bought him what he always wanted -- a race horse.   But the horse didn't seem to have any energy.   Timmy took it to the vet.
"This horse is very old," the vet said.
"Will I be able to race him?" asked Timmy.
The vet looked at Timmy and then he looked at the horse.  "Sure," he said, "and you'll probably win."

Doctor, will this ointment cure my horses spots?
Vet: I never make rash judgements.

Doctor, my horse has swallowed a spoon!
Vet: Make it lie down and not stir.

Doctor, my horse swallowed my pen!  What shall I do?
Vet: Use a pencil until I get there.

Doctor, my horse swallowed a roll of film.
Vet: Lets hope nothing develops.

Doctor, my horse thinks he's a lift.
Vet:  Bring it in.
I can't. It doesn't stop at this floor.

Owner:  Will you treat my horse?
Veterinarian:  Absolutely not! You'll have to pay like everyone else.

"How is your health these days?"
"I sleep soundly and eat like a horse."
"Let's leave your table manners out of the."

A patient had an automobile phobia, and his psychiatrist (a bit old-fashioned) said, "If you had a horse you wouldn't have to drive a car.
"But, Doc," he protested, "Horses can't drive cars!"

Please, Doc.  I can't go back to my horse riding.  I think I'm a a needle!
Doc:  Hmmmm.  I see your point!

Patient: Help me doctor, I'm not well.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble ?
Patient: Well I work like a horse, I eat like a bird, and I'm as tired as a dog.
Doctor: Sounds like you ought to see a veterinarian, not a doctor.

Owner: My horse is going crazy, he thinks he's a pair of curtains.
Doc: It needs to pull itself together!

A rancher in the hospital with a broken leg was telling his doctor about his accident: "I slipped off the critter and broke this laig, and you know that hoss took off like lightning. I lay there 'bout half an hour and then that hoss came back with a doctor. Trouble was, he was a hoss doctor."

Why did the horse vet pour oil on his hands before operating?
He wanted be make sure he had smooth operations.

Owner:  How much would you charge for pulling my horse's tooth.
Dentist: $90.
Owner: What? $90 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can do it slower if you like.

A woman went to a psychiatrist and said she was in great distress over her husband.
"He thinks he's a horse. He sleeps standing up and he neighs instead of speaking. He even insists on being fed oats in a bag." said the woman "It's terrible!,"
"How long has then be going on?" as the doctor.
"Six, maybe eight months." she replied.
"You have let things go too far," said the doctor. "Your husband will require a great deal of treatment and it will be very expensive.
"I don't care about the expense," said the wife. "I will pay you anything -- anything at all to make my husband stop thinking he's a horse."
"But it will cost many thousands of dollars, can you afford this amount of money?" asked the doctor.
"Why of course we can," said the woman. "He's already won three races this season at Aqueduct."


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