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[Click here for an in-depth discourse on the meaning of the title]
There was once a Chinese emperor who had very refined taste buds and would eat only the finest of foods. He employed many people whose jobs involved just traveling the length and breadth of the land to find food of the highest quality for their emperor. It was unfortunate for them, however, that the emperor had peculiar cravings. One day the emperor called in his staff and said, "Well, today I want to eat a one hundred year old egg. This egg must be exactly one hundred years old." Well imagine the commotion in the palace! His staff jumped on their horses and traveled all over, trying to find an egg which was exactly one hundred years old. They looked and looked, and finally returned to the palace and approached the emperor. "Well", said the emperor, "did you find my egg?" One of his servants stepped forward and addressed his majesty. "No sir", he said, "we did not find an egg that was exactly one hundred years old. But we do have one here which is about fifty years old." The emperor replied, "No Way! You know I hate fast food!"
[Well, at least it mentions the word, "horses". -Ed.] :-)
Body Builder: I'm as strong as a
Trainer: Whoa boy! Don't exaggerate.
A man with a bad head cold walked up to the
delivery window at the post office, where a new clerk was sorting mail.
"Any mail for Mike Howe?" the man asked.
The clerk ignored him, and the man repeated the question in a louder voice.
Without looking up, the clerk replied, "No, none for your cow, and none for your horse, either!"
An English tourist is on holiday in a Cornish village when he spots what to him is obviously the village idiot sitting next to the horse trough. In his hand is an old stick, and tied to the end is a piece of string which is dangling in the water. The tourist decides to humour the fellow and asks: "Have you caught anything yet?" The village idiot looks up and studies the stranger, before saying: "Aye, you be the seventh today."
[Notice the occurrence of the word, "horse". -Ed.] :-)
Horse farmer: What can you tell me about nitrates?
Local Nitwit: When you call long distance, they're cheaper than day rates!
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the
place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's horse suddenly
reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, no, and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that horse?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.' "
The Joys of Aging
I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I'm seeing five gentlemen every day.
As soon as I awake, Will Power helps me out of bed.
When he leaves I go see John.
Then Charley Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day.
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I'm really tired and ready to go to bed with Ben Gay.
What a day!
[It does include a "Horse"... and it's cute. -Ed.] :-)
Teacher: Billy, use the word income in a
Billy: I opened the barn door and income the horse.
Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights in a certain kingdom. Now there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom who was of marriageable age. The three brothers set off to travel there and see if one of them could win her hand. They set off in full armor, with their horses and their page. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was in short a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not thought of this and were unprepared. But the youngest brother had the answer: "Promise her anything, but give her our page."
[I know what your thinking, but I couldn't help myself. -Ed. :-)]
Nit: Is that water healthy for my horse to drink
Wit: Absolutely. It's well water.
A long time ago, a funeral was taking place. They were carrying the coffin
in a horse and buggy.
As the horse and buggy made it's way up the hill, the coffin slid out of the back. Frantically, the chauffeur chased after the coffin down the hill. In a last ditch effort, he went into a nearby drug store and told the clerk, "Give me something to stop the coffin!"
A woman found a young colt inside her refrigerator.
"What are you doing in there?" she asked.
"This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is," said the woman.
"Well, I'm westing," said the colt.
...but it was just a little colt. :-)
A judge was riding horses one day with a young lawyer
friend. They came upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman's noose hanging
from a tree, solemnly waiving in the wind. The judge turned to his riding companion and
"Joe, if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you would be?"
"Riding alone," quickly came the reply.
Two horse thieves were arrested by a posse of
cowboys, who decided to hand them for their crimes. Unable to find any trees, the
cowboys took the rustlers to a bridge and tied a rope around the first man's neck.
Unfortunately, the rope broke and the thief fell into the river and swam off to safety.
As they tightened the nose around the second man's neck, he managed to stammer, "I sure hope this is a strong rope."
"Why that?", asked one of the cowboys.
"Because," gulped the thief, "I can't swim."
So this young fella graduates from a Baptist Seminary
(Bible School) and they tell him that his first real preaching job will be to replace a
crusty old preacher who's just too old to do the job anymore. He gets to the town where
his new assignment is, but he can't find the church- and it's Sunday morning. In
desperation, he heads out of town on a road other than the one he came in on, since he
didn't see any churches on the way in, and as he's out walking he comes upon a beautiful
little country church.
It's got a steeple, and a real bell. There's a well-kept cemetery behind the church, and a bubbling stream running nearby, with a quiet grove of cottonwood trees giving the little country church some shade. There's even a picket fence.
As he gets closer, he notices several horses tied out munching the grass among the trees- not just 3 or 4 horses but 2 or 3 dozen! Everybody here rides a horse, it seems, and the young preacher kinda looks forward to this rustic idea.
He's really surprised when he steps inside: Everybody, EVERYBODY inside is wearing blue outfits, with yellow scarves and high-topped shiny black boots. Some of 'em even have swords. Suddenly he notices that there's a preacher standing behind the railing, and it's not some old guy, but another big strong fella in one of these blue uniforms- and this one's wearing spurs! So he explains:
Excuse me, but I'm the new Baptist Minister. They said I was supposed to replace a preacher who's retiring, and I thought that maybe this might be my new church."
Then the big guy in the blue uniform looks down at him and says:
"No, son. This here's the CAVALRY Baptist Church...."
The inhabitants of one village were very dissatisfied with the quality of the local drinking water. After years of fruitless complaints to the local authorities, the villages chipped in, got enough money together to pay for a test and sent a sample of the water to a laboratory for testing. A few weeks later they got the result of the test. It said: "Your horse has diabetes."
[But it did pass the minimal criteria for this page... -Ed. :-)]
Customer: Waiter, there's no chicken in this
Waiter: Yeah, and there's no horse in the horse radish either.
Little Susie was mother's helper. She helped set the table when company was due for dinner. Presently everything was on, the guests came in, and everyone sat down. Then Mother noticed something was missing. "Susie," she said, "You didn't put a knife and fork at Mr. Smith's place." "I thought he wouldn't need them," explained Susie. "Daddy says . . . he always eats like a horse!"
The Mule(remember, it's part horse!)
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.'
The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
HOW TO BE CREATIVE WITH TROUBLESOME KIN
You are working on your family genealogy and, for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows.
On the back of the picture are the words: "Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."
Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit.
We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.
Next, we rewrite the text: "Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
An old woman is feeding her horse,
Puff, and a fairy appears and says, "I'm here to give you three wishes."
The old woman says, "I wish I were 21 years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is.
"Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house were a mansion." Poof! Done.
"And now, I wish that Puff were the handsomest man in the world and deeply in love with me."
Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of the handsomest man in the world. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me gelded?"
Q: What goes clip-clop, clip-clop,
clip-clop, clip-clop, bang, bang, clip-clop, clip-clop?
A: An Amish drive-by shooting.
Horse Minimalism explained:
[Well, um, actually, uh...we just reduced the requirements so that a form of the word 'Horse' must appear a minimum of one time (or at least be implied) in a piece to be included on this page. We think this page is a good example of what results when standards are lowered! -Ed.] :-)
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