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Horse Races


A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, "ALLLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine". The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it" and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me.  It's this bloody horse. What is he -- deaf or something?" The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf - he's BLIND!" 


This Kentucky horse breeder had a filly that won every race in which she was entered. But as she got older she became very temperamental.  He soon found that when he raced her in the evening, she would win handily, but when she raced during the day she would come in dead last. He consulted the top veterinarians and horse psychologists to no avail. He finally had to give up because it had become ... a real night mare.


The jockey held the reins tightly and leaned forward on his galloping horse.
"Let's go, let's go, let's go!" he urged,shouting over the thunder of hoofbeats as the horses raced down the homestretch. He could see it was going to be a close race,so he went to the whip. He felt the horse jolt as he tapped its flank,and he sprang forward.The jockey knew he was flying now, flying past the rest of the pack,flying over the finish line.
As the jockey struggled to catch his breath, he saw the horse's owner hurrying over to congratulate him.

"I've got good news and bad news about that race," the owner said.   "The good news is you finished first!" 
"And what's the bad news?" asked the jockey.  "The bad news is your horse finished 8th!"


An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one Saturday and laid their money down.  Commiserating in the bar after the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..." 
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest probability of winning..." 
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer.
But before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his secret.
"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the horses were identical and spherical..."


What's the difference between praying in church and at the track?
At the track you really mean it!


Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner. "Is this horse unsound?" they asked.
"Not a bit," said the owner.
"In that case," asked the stewards, "why have you never raced him before?"
"Mister," said the man from Idaho, "we couldn't even catch the critter until he was five years old."


A woman went to a psychiatrist and said she was in great distress over her husband.
"He thinks he's a horse. He sleeps standing up and he neighs instead of speaking. He even insists on being fed oats in a bag." said the woman "It's terrible!,"
"How long has then be going on?" as the doctor.
"Six, maybe eight months." she replied.
"You have let things go too far," said the doctor. "Your husband will require a great deal of treatment and it will be very expensive.
"I don't care about the expense," said the wife. "I will pay you anything -- anything at all to make my husband stop thinking he's a horse."
"But it will cost many thousands of dollars, can you afford this amount of money?" asked the doctor.
"Why of course we can," said the woman. "He's already won three races this season at Aqueduct."


One day at the track, I got a tip from my backside friends.  A horse named "The Power of Prayer" was running in the sixth race.  I placed my bets and found my seat.  I should have known better: when the starting gate opened, he broke on his knees.


A man wakes up in the morning and it is 5:55 a.m.  The temperature is 55 degrees and the humidity is 55%.  He turns on his TV to channel 5.  He gets up and it is may 5th. he heads to work and his car has 55,555.5 miles on the odometer.  He gets to work goes to the 5th floor.  He has five messages.  IT DAWNS ON HIM.  He rushes to the race track.  His ticket is $5 and he is put in section 5, row 5, seat 5.  In the fifth race is a horse called, "Double Nickels". He understands fate as spoken.  He bets his entire bank account and maxes all credit cards.  The race is won... DOUBLE NICKELS CAME IN FIFTH.


The chronic horse player paused before taking his place at the betting windows, and offered up a fervent prayer to his Maker.
"Blessed Lord," he muttered with intense sincerity, "I know you don't approve of my gambling, but this once, Lord, just this once, please let me break even. I need the money so badly."


A horse walked up to the racetrack betting window and plopped his money down.
"I want to bet fifty dollars on myself to win the fifth race," said the horse.
"I don't believe it!" said the astonished clerk.
"You don't believe what?", said the horse, "That I can talk?"
"No",  replied the clerk,  "You don't stand a chance of winning the fifth race.


What is the difference between a train engineer and a race horse.
One is trained to run, the other runs a train.


What-do-you-think?
There once was a race horse
That won great fame.
What-do-you-think
Was the horse's name.


If you could call the thing a horse. If it hadn't shown a flash of speed in the straight, it would have mixed up with the next race.  P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves, 1930


I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post.
I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?"
But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

Henny Youngman


What is one of the hardest times to win a horse race?
12:31, because it is 29 to 1.


On Timmy's birthday, his parents bought him what he always wanted -- a race horse.   But the horse didn't seem to have any energy.   Timmy took it to the vet.
"This horse is very old," the vet said.
"Will I be able to race him?" asked Timmy.
The vet looked at Timmy and then he looked at the horse.  "Sure," he said, "and you'll probably win."


The horse was so slooooww...

... his jockey died of malnutrition.
... the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
... they bet it to live.

... the jockey's wife won a divorce for desertion.
... when he finally came back into the stable, the horse tiptoed so he wouldn't wake the other horses!


A young boy told his mother that his father had taken him to the zoo.  The mother couldn't believe it.  She said, "Your father has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life."  The boy said, "He did, and one of the animals paid fifty dollars!"


Mr. Smith owned the fastest young stallion in the region, but there was a problem.  Every time he raced, the young horse would slow down to wink at the mares.  Deciding that there was only one way to protect his investment in the animal, Mr. Smith had the horse gelded.

Weeks later the horse was back in the gate.  Sure enough his eye didn't wander:  His head was bent low, eyes intense, he had only the track in mind.

When the gun sounded, the horse bolted from the gate.  But, after a few paces he stopped, turned around and ran back behind the gate.

Mr. Smith bolted down from the stands and shouted as he neared the horse, "What's wrong?".

"What's wrong?", the horse said testily, "How would you feel if you stepped from the gate and some wise guy yelled into the loud speaker, "They're off!"


Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he observed a Roman Catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water.  The horse went on to win the race, streaking ahead of the opposition.  Before the next race he saw the priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water.   Like the first horse it went on to win it's race.   The guy said to himself that if the priest sprinkles another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse.  Sure enough, the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water.  So the guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse.

Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race.   The guy was devastated.    So he went over to the priest and said,  "What's going on here?    The last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled dropped dead after only 100 yards.  I had put every penny I had on it's nose!"

The priest replied, "You're not Roman Catholic, are you?" 

The guy admitted that he was not and asked, "But, how do you know that?"
The priest said, "Because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights."


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