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Horse Religion

A man decides to buy a horse, and heads down to the local used horse yard. The salesman convinces him to buy one particular horse, which appears in good condition. After he has paid his money, and is saddling up, the salesman tells him, "There's just one thing, the horse used to belong to a minister, so to make it go you have to say 'Praise the Lord', and to make it stop, you have to say 'Amen'". This doesn't seem too much of a problem to the man, who mounts his latest acquisition, and shouts, "Praise the Lord", at which the horse trots out the gate and down the road. The man decides to take his horse for a long ride, and heads out of town and into the hills. Suddenly he realizes he is heading for the top of a cliff and panics. "Whoa, stop!!!", he yells, and of course the horse ignores him, and actually speeds up. Now dangerously close to the edge, he contemplates jumping from the horse, which shows no indication of slowing or turning. At the last possible moment, the man remembers the salesman's words, and shouts "Amen!". The horse instantly stops in its tracks, right on the brink of the cliff, sending a shower of stones clattering the hundreds of meters to the bottom. The man pulls out a handkerchief, wipes the sweat from his brow, looks up, and says, "Praise the Lord...."

The Pastor was interested in buying a horse. "Now this horse," said a seller, "is as gentle and kind as you could want. He will stand quietly without being hitched. He will do anything you ask of him. This horse hasn't a single bad trait. He won't kick, and he listens to everything you say."
Replied the Pastor, "Oh, if only that horse were a member of my congregation."

A Methodist circuit rider come to a crossroads in Wisconsin where stood a typical country lad--freckled, barefooted, pants rolled up, shirt open. The preacher was mounted on just about the poorest horse they had ever seen in those parts. Addressing the boy, he said, "My son, which one of these roads will take me to Stoughton?" The boy paid no attention to the questions. He had never seen a respectable man mounted on so sorry a steed. The minister repeated his question and the boy looked up and asked, "Who are you?"
"I am a follower of the Lord.", replied the Preacher.
"Well," said the boy, "it won't make any difference which road you take. You'll never catch Him with that horse."

[Note: This humor piece was passed on to us orally, we don't have it down exactly the way it was originally told by the preacher, but we hope we haven't lost too much of it's humor. -Ed.]  :-)

A preacher was invited by his friend to join him for a day of hunting.

His friend took him by car and headed toward their favorite hunting place.  Along the way they came upon a large farm where the friend had often spotted a lot of large game crossing the property as he would drive by it.

He told the preacher about it being a great place to hunt,  but that he had heard that the farmer was a mean old cuss who disliked people and who hated preachers most of all.

The preacher, always looking for opportunities to demonstrate his faith, decided to take this occasion to meet and find out for himself what the farmer was like, and hopefully to be able to ask for permission to hunt on the property. 

After they pulled up to the farm house, the preacher got out of their car while the friend waited, with motor running, just in case they needed to make a fast getaway.

As he knocked on the door, the preacher prepared himself for the worst.   However, he had a pleasant surprise.  The farmer opened the door and eagerly invited the preacher inside.  He found the farmer and his wife to be warm, humble and hospital people who were obviously thrilled to have a preacher visit them.  They said they would be more than willing to allow the preacher and his friend to hunt on their property.  However, if it was okay with the preacher, there was one thing that they would like to request the preacher do in exchange for this favor.

The farmer then explained that their favorite horse, to which they were closely attached, had grown old and sick and was now suffering terribly, but he just couldn't bring himself to put it out of its misery.   He asked the preacher if he would take care of it for them and the preacher agreed.

Now the preacher was a notorious practical joker and and so when he went back outside got into the car, he told his friend how the farmer was upset and mean and had such awful cursing that he learned all kinds of new uses for theological terms.

Since that farmer was so cruel and foul mouthed,  the preacher continued,  they needed to teach him a lesson.

He directed his friend to drive back down the farm lane until he came up on the old horse. At that point the preacher took his rifle, stepped out of the car and fired, instantly putting away the horse with one shot and got back in the car.

His friend sat speechless and startled at what he had just witnessed.

As the preacher was laughing to himself about how he had just put one over on his friend, the friend suddenly stepped out of the car with his rifle and next thing the preacher heard was, "Bang!", "Bang!"

His friend quickly jumped back into the car and yelled, "I got two of his cows, lets get out of here!"

The chronic horse player paused before taking his place at the betting windows, and offered up a fervent prayer to his Maker.
"Blessed Lord," he muttered with intense sincerity, "I know you don't approve of my gambling, but this once, Lord, just this once, please let me break even. I need the money so badly."

Did you hear about the guy who went to the races and while there he observed a Roman Catholic priest who went over to a horse and sprinkled it with holy water.  The horse went on to win the race, streaking ahead of the opposition.  Before the next race he saw the priest go over to another horse and sprinkle it with holy water.   Like the first horse it went on to win it's race.   The guy said to himself that if the priest sprinkles another horse with holy water I am going to bet every penny I have on that horse.  Sure enough, the priest went over to another horse and sprinkled it with holy water.  So the guy went to a bookie and bet every penny he had on this horse.

Then the race started and the horse that the priest sprinkled with holy water dropped dead about 100 yards after the start of the race.   The guy was devastated.    So he went over to the priest and said,  "What's going on here?  The last two horses you sprinkled with holy water went on to win their races, and this last one you sprinkled dropped dead after only 100 yards.  I had put every penny I had on it's nose!"

The priest replied, "You're not Roman Catholic, are you?" 

The guy admitted that he was not and asked, "But, how do you know that?"
The priest said, "Because you don't know the difference between giving a blessing and administering the last rights."

One day in heaven, Saint Peter, Saint Paul and Saint John were standing around near the horse paddocks watching the horses frolic. "I am certainly bored," stated John. "Me too," Paul chimed in. Peter stood and watched the horses. "I know!" Peter began. "Why don't we have a horse show?" Paul and John thought that the idea was great except for one small detail that Paul pointed out. "Who are we to compete against, Peter?" Paul asked. The trio pondered a moment when Peter realized the answer. "We will call up Satan and invite him to the horse show. I mean, we have all of the finest horses here in heaven, all of the World and National Champions are here. His stable is ridden with the spoiled, difficult and mean horses. We are certain to win at the show!"  And so the trio calls up Satan on the other realm communication lines and invited him to their horse show. Satan laughed and asked why they would want to be humiliated like that, because he would certainly beat them.  Peter, Paul and John did not understand. "What do you mean Satan?" Peter asked. "We have all of the National and World Champion horses in our stable in heaven. How could you  possibly beat us?" Satan paused a moment and then laughed. "Have you forgotten so soon gentlemen?  I have all the judges!"


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