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Horse Tradings


A prospective buyer looks over Attaboy and could find nothing wrong with the horse.   He asked the owner, "How come you want to sell him so cheap?"
The owner said, "I'm bored with him.  He's a show-off.  He's an actor.   When they take his picture after a win, he turns his profile.  When they play a fanfare, he starts to dance.  He even whinnies to music."
The prospective buyer said, "Those antics could be cute. I'll buy him."
The owner said, "Okay, Attaboy, get up and do your 'lame' impression."


The horse you sold me last week is a fine animal, but I can't get him to hold his head up.
Oh, it's because of his pride... he'll hold it up as soon as he's paid for.


Horse Sales Terminology Translated:

BIG TROT: can't canter within a two mile straight-away.

NICELY STARTED:  lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet.

TOP SHOW HORSE:  won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings.

HOME BRED:  knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch.

BIG BONED:  good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow.

NO VICES:  especially when he wears his muzzle.

BOLD:  runaway.

GOOD MOVER:  runaway.

ATHLETIC:  runaway.

NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER:  runaway.

SHOULD MATURE OVER 16 HANDS:  currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 15.3 hands, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 16 hands, but *this* horse will defy his DNA and grow.

WELL MANNERED:  hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week.

PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED:  hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month.

RECENTLY VETTED:  someone else found something really wrong with this horse.

TO GOOD HOME ONLY:  not really for sale unless you can 
            1) Pay twice what he is worth
   
         2) Are willing to sign a 10 page legal document to allow current owner to tuck him in beddy-bye every night.

EXCELLENT DISPOSITION:  never been out of the stall.

CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS:  clippity clippity is the sound of his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.

FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME:  rider cannot afford to spend anymore time in the hospital.

QUIET:  dead (almost).

SPIRITED:  psychotic.

WELL BRED:  mother and father are also brother and sister!

COLOR IS BLACK:  brown and/or dirty.

ANY VET CHECK WELCOME:  Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!

SUITS EVENTING:  no brakes.

SUITS DRESSAGE:  no accelerator.

SUITS ANYONE:  except us, we hate him! 

Submitted by Natalie


A farmer was trying to to sell his horse.
After exercising it, he exclaimed to his potential buyer: "Don't you admire his coat?"
"Coat's all right", said the prospect, "but, I don't care for the pants."


A boy went to the horse sale and stated, "I want to buy a horse for my mother.
"Sorry," said the salesman, "we don't do exchanges."


The farmer was out in his field trying to get another season of plowing from his old horse when all of a sudden this enterprising city slicker came by in his Lincoln.  Slamming on his brakes, rammed it into reverse and came back to the farmer. He said, "Nice looking horse you got there, want to sell him?"   The farmer couldn't hold back his joy, the words just leaped out of his mouth, "Ya, fifty bucks."  The suited-dude pealed off a fifty a yelled he would be back the next day with a trailer. The farmer couldn't contain his excitement all through the night.  The old horse had been around for years and he only paid ten bucks for him.  A dream come true.  Would you believe it...the next day at dawn the farmer and horse were at the same spot near the road, when to his amazement the old horse coughed once and keels over dead as a door nail.  Just about that time here comes the Lincoln, the city guy was right there with the trailer.  What a let down. Talk about a busted bubble, the pits, a bad hair day all rolled into one.  The city guy come on around and after seeing what happened, didn't hesitate.  Asked the farmer to help load the dead horse on the trailer.  Puzzled the farmer obliged and soon the city slicker, Lincoln, trailer and dead horse were all gone.
Just so happened the next month while in town the farmer spotted the same guy.  The man came over, shook his hand, patted him on the back and gave him another fifty dollar bill.  The puzzled farmer asked what happened, the man said he made $645.00 on the deal.  The farmer asked him how he did that. The city guy said he sold the horse in a raffle. The farmer said, "Didn't they get mad?"  The city slicker said, "Heck no, just the one, and I gave him back his dollar."
Paul W. Lee -- pwlee@cei.net


"How's life?" asked Mike.
"Can't be better", answered Erik enthusiastically. "I have a horse... a very special horse. It does all the housework, washes the dishes, makes food, serves me my meals, makes my laundry".
"Wow! This horse IS special. I'd pay you $10,000 for it".
"Nah..." Erik rejected the offer. "I haven't been spoiled in years."

Next time they met Mike was curious. "What's up these days?"
"Life is beautiful. My horse... I showed it where the supermarket is. It buys my groceries, takes my suits to the dry-cleaning shop, makes all the bothersome errands".
"I double my offer", said Mike. "Would you sell it to me for $20,000?"
"Nah... No offer will be fair enough. I like the way I live now".

The third time they met Erik couldn't stop praising his horse: "It goes to work for me... I spend most of my time in the country-club..."
"Aaaaa!!!!!" Mike was frustrated. "I'll give you $100,000 for your horse. I need this kind of horse!"
"Hmmm... I don't know, Mike, I kinda like my horse, but $100,000... this is a great amount of money. You know what? Okay... I'll sell you my horse".

Two months after the horse was brought to his house, Mike met Erik again.
Angrily, Mike exclaimed: "You are no good!... This horse... it does no housework... it goes to no supermarket... it smells bad,  it nibbles my furniture... it's worthless...its..."

"Hey, hey, dear Mike", Erik calmed him down, "if you continue to talk bad about the horse, you will never be able to sell it..."


One horse trader said bitterly to the other: "That horse you sold me is blind." "
To which the other replied, "Well, I said he was a fine horse but he didn't look good."


A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn." The salesman computed the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Aw, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you $100,000 for the horse."
Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."


The horse which I bought from you died.
What?! He never done that before.


When asked what he would sell a certain horse for, the Vermont farmer startled the inquirer by naming a price of $1,000. The buyer said he was prepared to pay no more than $100. "That's a lot less, but I'll take it," said the farmer.
When the deal was done, the buyer asked the farmer why he had come down so quickly from $1,000 to $100. "Well," drawled the farmer, "just thought it would be nice for you to own a thousand-dollar horse."


A horse trader, in New England, sold a pair of horses which he guaranteed were willing horses. Shortly afterwards the buyer came back and complained that the horses were very poor workers and added, "You told me that the horses were willing."
"I did," said the trader, "And they are willing.  One is willing to stop, and the other is willing to let him."


A farmer of miserly disposition bought a horse at a fair, and on the way home he thought a drink of water would refresh it, so we got a pale of water; but the horse would not take it.   When he got home, he offered it a feed of corn; but much to his surprise it would not take that, either.

"Well," he muttered to oneself, "If only I was sure you were a good worker, you're the very horse for me."


The old farmer took his horse to a sale.
Someone asked, " Why is that horse so nervous?"
To which the old man replied, "He aint ever been around this many horse thieves and liars before."


A man decides to buy a horse, and heads down to the local used horse yard. The salesman convinces him to buy one particular horse, which appears in good condition. After he has paid his money, and is saddling up, the salesman tells him, "There's just one thing, the horse used to belong to a minister, so to make it go you have to say 'Praise the Lord', and to make it stop, you have to say 'Amen'". This doesn't seem too much of a problem to the man, who mounts his latest acquisition, and shouts, "Praise the Lord", at which the horse trots out the gate and down the road. The man decides to take his horse for a long ride, and heads out of town and into the hills. Suddenly he realizes he is heading for the top of a cliff and panics. "Whoa, stop!!!", he yells, and of course the horse ignores him, and actually speeds up. Now dangerously close to the edge, he contemplates jumping from the horse, which shows no indication of slowing or turning. At the last possible moment, the man remembers the salesman's words, and shouts "Amen!". The horse instantly stops in its tracks, right on the brink of the cliff, sending a shower of stones clattering the hundreds of meters to the bottom. The man pulls out a handkerchief, wipes the sweat from his brow, looks up, and says, "Praise the Lord".....


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