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Computer Related Humor

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO MEET WINDOWS

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium IV, with 512 Megs of RAM, a 60 Gig hard drive, and a DVD-ROM.
Abbott: That's terrific, Lou
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want  to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbott: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we started this conversion.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye!

Contributed by Sue Pearson

AMISH VIRUS:
You have just received the Amish Virus. Since we do not have electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. Please delete all of your files. Thank thee.

If a swamp frog goes: "ribb-it... ribb-it... ribb-it";
and a Busch frog goes: "bud....wis....er";
What does a Windows frog sound like?
Re-boot... re- boot... re-boot.

Technically challenged...

Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"
Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support: "Well?"
Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

"Spell Checker"

I have a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye cannot sea.

When eye strike a quay and right a word
I weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar wright
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two late
And eye can put the error rite
Its rarely, rarely grate.

I've run this poem threw it
I'm shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

Do you remember when?...

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was something you did on stage for money
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

Contributed by Sue Pearson

Click here for YxK Crisis humor

PROVERBS FOR THE MILLENNIUM

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like http://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man (or for that matter anyone) a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

A REDNECK'S GUIDE TO COMPUTERS

LOG ON: Makin' the wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no wood to the stove
MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup
MEGA HERTZ: What happens to yer foot if yer not careful downloadin'
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from carryn' too much firewood
RAM: The hydraulic dodad that splits the firewood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter season
PROMPT: What ya wish the mail was in the winter
WINDOWS: Whatcha shut when it's 30 degrees outside
SCREEN: Whatcha need for the mosquito season
BYTE: That's what them skeeters do
CHIP: What to munch on during HeeHaw
MICRO CHIP: What's left in the bottom of the bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hayfields
DOT MATRIX: Farmer Bubba's wife
LAP TOP: Where the little kids feel comfy after supper
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang yer keys
SOFTWARE: Them plastic eatin' utensils
MOUSE: What's eatin the animals' grain
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy wine for guests
ENTER: C'mon in!

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?"  I know", said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."   "No, no", said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."  "Well", said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer...

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this? What a shame, sir!
We'll find you another game, sir!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Murphy's Computer Laws

1.  No matter how many resources you have, it is never enough.
2.  Any cool program always requires more hardware resources than you have.
3.  When you finally buy enough memory, you will not have enough disk space.
4.  Disks are always full. It is futile to try to get more disk space. Data expands to fill any void.
5.  If a program actually fits in memory and has enough disk space, it is guaranteed to crash.
6.  If such a program has not crashed yet, it is waiting for a critical moment before it crashes.
7.  No matter how good of a deal you get on computer components, the price will always drop immediately after the purchase.
8.  All components become obsolete.
9.  The speed with which components become obsolete is directly proportional to the price of the component.
10. Software bugs are impossible to detect by anybody except the end user.

Script of a dialog in a Microsoft restaurant:

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now. [waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: Here you are, sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything. [waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check: 
Soup of the Day ................................................$5.00 
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day ......... $2.50 
Access to support ........................................... $1.00

CONVERSATION BETWEEN MOSES AND GOD

"Excuse me, Sir."

"Is that you again, Moses?"

"I'm afraid it is, Sir."

"What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems?"

"How did You guess?"

"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember?"

"Oh, yeah. I forgot."

"Tell me what you want, Moses."

"But You already know.  Remember?"

"Moses!"

"Sorry, Sir."

"Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out!"

"Well, I have a question, Sir.  You know those ten things You sent me?"

"You mean the Commandments, Moses?"

"That's it. I was wondering if they were important."

"What do you mean 'were important,' Moses?  Of course, they are important.  Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you."

"Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them, but of course You would see right through that."

"What do you mean 'you lost them!'  Are you trying to tell Me you didn't save them, Moses?"

"No, Sir.  I forgot."

"You should always save, Moses."

"Yeah, I know.  You told me that before.  I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though. "

"And did you hear back from any of them?"

"You already know I did."

"What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shall not.'  Can he change the words a little bit?"

"Yes, Moses.  As long as he doesn't change the meaning."

"And what about the guy who thought Your stance was a little harsh and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions, or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"

"Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that."

"I think that means, 'No.'  Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"

"I think that is spamming, Moses."

"Oh, yeah.  I e-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."

"And what he did say?"

"You know what he said.  He used Your name in vain.  You don't think he might have sent me one of those plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten things, do You?"

"They're called viruses, Moses."

"Whatever!  This computer stuff is just too much for me.  Can we just go?

Back to those stone tablets?   It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them."

"We'll do it the new way, Moses."

"I was afraid You would say that, Sir."

"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"

"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."

"It's a mouse, Moses.   Mouse! Mouse!  And did you do that?"

"No, I decided to try the technical support first.  After all, who knows more about this stuff than You, and I really like Your hours.  By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"

"No, Moses."

"One other thing.  Why didn't You name them frogs instead of mice, because didn't You tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"

"I didn't name them, Moses.  Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."

"Oh, that explains it.  Kind of like Adam, huh, Sir?  I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse.   After all, wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"

"Say good night, Moses."

"Wait a minute, Sir.  I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working.  Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back."

"Which ones are they, Moses?"

"Let's see... 'Thou shall not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shall not uncover thy neighbor's wife'."

"Turn the computer off, Moses.  I'm sending you another set of stone tablets.  How does 'Same Day Air' sound?"

Ancient Tech Support

The tech support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate...

FIRE HELP DESK - CASE LOG FILE #1:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto Help Fire not work

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

Ugh

You have tinder and kindling near spark?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

FIRE HELP DESK - CASE LOG FILE #2:

This fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

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