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Religious Humor
A pastor skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally, the pastor crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle flying in one direction and breaking both his legs. The pastor was lying there, he'd lost his gun, and the bear was coming closer. He cried out in desperation, "Lord I repent for all I've done. Please make this bear a Christian." The bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped it's paws together and said, "Lord, I do thank you for the food I am about to receive."
A couple had two mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10, who
were always getting into trouble. Their parents could be assured that if any mischief
occurred in their town their sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their
wits' end as to what to do about their sons. The mother had heard that a clergyman in town
had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked her husband if he thought they
should send the boys to speak with the clergyman. The husband said, "We might as
well. We need to do something before I really lose my temper!" The clergyman agreed
to speak with the boys, but asked to see them individually.
The 8-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him
sternly, "Where is God?" The boy made no response, so the clergyman
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the
boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his
finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home, slamming himself in the
closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and asked, "What
happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.
God is missing and they think we did it."
Contributed by Sue Pearson
Catholic School Education
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math. His parents had tried everything... tutors,
flash cards, special learning centers... In short, everything that they could think of to
improve Tommy's grades. As a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in the local Catholic
School.
On the first day at the new school, Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face.
He didn't even kiss his mother hello, but walked straight to his room and started
studying. Books and paper were soon spread out all over the room with Tommy hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was
done, he marched right back to his room without a word and started hitting the books as
hard as before. This went on day after day while his Mother tried to understand what was
making the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He placed it quietly on the table and
walked directly to his room to hit the books again. With great curiosity, Tommy's mom
opened the report card, and to her delight, little Tommy got an A in Math! She had to know
why the Catholic school was so different, so she went to Tommy's room.
"So, what was it? Was it the nuns?", she said.
Little Tommy kept his eyes on the ground and shook his head. "No."
Was it the books... the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it??", she
asked.
Little Tommy looked at her and finally answered, "Well, on the first day of school,
when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they weren't fooling around."
Contributed by S & J Prater
Two guys died at the same time and met Saint Peter at
the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down.
You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll
it be?"
The first one says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky
mountains."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second one mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count',
St. Peter?"
"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're
doing."
"In that case," says the second guy, "I've always wanted to be a
stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter, and the second guy disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two men.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" He asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult."
"Why?" Asketh the Lord.
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.
A family came home from Church where the sermon was
on Adam and Eve.
The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs. She asked what he
was doing.
He said, "I counted these things 3 times now. Ma! I think I'm having a
wife!"
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of
selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss and hire three people to sell Bibles for him. He
then set up interviews with three people for the job. The first
came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your
sales kit: Go sell!"
The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your
kit: Go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- I - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell Bi - bi - bi -
Bibles, f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you!"
"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!"
The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I - I -I r-r-r-eall, r-r-really n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, tthis
j-j-job!"
As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"
At the end of the day, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles
today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-I-I so-so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!"
"Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"
At the end of the next day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44
Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-I-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- Bibles."
"Fantastic," said the man to the third worker, "since you're doing so well and so much
better than these other two, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is."
Replied the worker, "I-I-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to t-to them and and a-a-ask them i--if th-th-th-th ... I ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - b-b-b-buy a ... to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they ... do they w-w-w-ant me to r-r-READ it to 'em?"
THE FORK
The sound of Martha's voice on the other end of the telephone always brought a smile to
Brother Jim's face. She was not only one of the oldest members of the congregation, but
one of the most faithful. Aunt Martie, as all of the children called her, just seemed to
ooze faith, hope, and love wherever she went.
This time, however, there seemed to be an unusual tone to her words. "Preacher, could
you stop by this afternoon? I need to talk with you." "Ofcourse, I'll be there
around three. Is that ok?"
It didn't take long for Jim to discover the reason for what he had only sensed in her
voice before. As they sat facing each other in the quiet of her small living room. Martha
shared the news that her doctor had just discovered a previously undetected tumor.
"He says I probably have six months to live". Martha's words were naturally
serious, yet there was a definite calm about her.
"I'm so sorry to..." but before Jim could finish, Martha interrupted.
"Don't be. The Lord has been good. I have lived a long life. I'm ready to go. You
know that."
"I know," Jim whispered with a reassuring nod.
"But I do want to talk with you about my funeral. I have been thinking about it, and
there are things that I know I want."
The two talked quietly for a long time. They talked about Martha's
favorite hymns, the
passages of Scripture that had meant so much to her through the years, and the many
memories they shared from the five years Jim had been with Central Church.
When it seemed that they had covered just about everything, Aunt Martie paused, looked up
at Jim with a twinkle in her eye, and then added, "One more thing, Preacher. When
they bury me, I want my old Bible in one hand and a fork in the other". "A
fork?" Jim was sure he had heard everything, but this caught him by surprise.
"Why do you want to be buried with a fork?"
"I have been thinking about all of the church dinners and banquets that I attended
through the years," she explained, "I couldn't begin to count them all. But one
thing sticks in my mind, "At those really nice get-togethers, when the meal was
almost finished, a server or maybe the hostess would come by to collect the dirty dishes.
I can hear the words now.
Sometimes, at the best ones, somebody would lean over my shoulder and whisper, 'You
can keep your fork.' And do you know what that meant? Dessert was coming! It didn't mean a
cup of Jell-O or pudding or even a dish of ice cream. You don't need a fork for that. It
meant the good stuff, like chocolate cake or cherry pie! When they told me I could keep my
fork, I knew the best was yet to come!
That's exactly what I want people to talk about at my funeral. Oh, they can talk about all
the good times we had together. That would be nice. But when they walk by my casket and
look at my pretty blue dress, I want them to turn to one another and say, 'Why the fork'?
That's when I want you to tell them, that I kept my fork because 'the best is yet to
come!'"
Contributed by Sue Pearson
Click here for the "Bible Knowledge Exam" page
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets
of Chicago for a vacation in Florida...
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel,
he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type
it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only
the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a
dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their minister to stand with them. As the minister stood next to the bed, Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The minister lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The minister thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing the eulogy, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He opened the note and read, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey! Is this some kind of joke?"
A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death.
The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves
for that inevitable event." Everybody shook their heads in agreement with this comment.
Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment
Day?"
One gentleman said, "I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted
the Lord into their lives." "Very good," said the group leader, and all the group members agreed that would be a very good
thing to do.
One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my
family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction." "That’s wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all
the group members agreed that would be a very good thing to do.
But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-law's house for the 4 weeks." Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader
asked, "Why your mother-in-law's home?"
Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"
God's Billboards
Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages from God. This non-denominational campaign was sponsored by an anonymous client. How cool to drive by one of these billboards?!!
1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God
2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God
3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You Understand? - God
4. We Need To Talk - God
5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer - God
6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God
7. That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It. - God
8. I Love You...I Love You...I Love You... - God
9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God
10. Follow Me. - God
11. Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding. - God
12. My Way Is The Highway. - God
13. Need Directions? - God
14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God
15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God
16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God
17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test. - God
HEAVEN & HELL
One day while walking down the street a highly successful, executive was hit by a bus and, tragically, she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in, though, it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had an executive make it this far, and we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose where you want to spend Eternity."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven"
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in an
elevator and it went down-down-down to hell!
The elevator doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed a delicious steak and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she
had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having good time, that
before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back at the Pearly Gates, where she found St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.
So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up.
St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your place for all eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a
better time in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened, she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends dressed in rags, and they were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came over, put his arm around her, and said, "Welcome! So glad to see you again."
"But, but, but I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled.
"That's because yesterday we were recruiting you, but today you're staff."
Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.
An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free, " Peter
replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked,
"what are the green fees?" Peter's reply, "This is Heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked
the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can
eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both
tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years
ago!"
Click here for the "Bible Brain Teaser" page
One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed
some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would
be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so
excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she
made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him, him
and him."
A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He begins to pray...
"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well,
please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Joe again prays...
"God, please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.
Once again, he prays...
"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and my car,
My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you
just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???"
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open up and Joe is confronted by the voice of God himself:
"JOE, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE... BUY A TICKET !!!"
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and
talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and
running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not
moving . . . seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so
he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid
of me?" "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!"
The river had swollen and the dam had burst, and now the town was under ten feet of water.
A rescue boat came by Rev. Smith's church, but Rev. Smith declined to get in. "The Lord will save me," he replied.
An hour later, the water had risen another ten feet, and Rev. Smith was on the roof of the church. Another rescue boat came by, and again the reverend declared that the Lord would save him.
Later that night, Rev. Smith clung to the roof of the church with the water up to his chest. This time a helicopter came by, but again the reverend shouted, "The Lord will save me."
Unfortunately, by the next morning poor Rev. Smith had drowned.
Up in heaven, he was noticeably miffed at the Lord. "Hey," he said, "I thought you were going to save me."
"What are you talking about?" the Lord said. "I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"
A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face to face with a ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for certain, he kneeled down and said his prayers. To his astonishment, the lion also kneeled quietly. "This is a miracle!" the missionary shouted. "Quiet!" said the lion. "I'm saying grace."
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the
Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people
walked across safely. Then he used his walkie - talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent
bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
It seems that there was a little old church out in the countryside: painted white and with a high steeple. One
Sunday, the pastor noticed that his church needed painting. He checked out the Sunday ads and found a paint sale.
The next day, he went into town and bought a gallon of white paint. He went back out to the church and began the
job. He got done with the first side. It was looking great. But he noticed he had already used a half gallon. He
didn't want to run back in town and being the creative person that he was, he found a gallon of thinner in the shed
out back, and began to thin his paint. It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half
gallon of paint. That night, it rained: it rained hard. The next morning when he stepped outside of the parsonage to
admire his work, he saw that the first side was looking great, but that the paint on the other three sides had washed
away. The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"
A voice came back from the heavens saying, "Repaint, and thin no
more!"
Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years
he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a
reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets.
His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the
president said, "the President of Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for his
country. You have our approval -- go out and design him the best jet fighter ever made."
Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into
building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first
test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage!
(The test pilot parachuted to safety.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same
thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again.
Beside himself with worry, Bernie went to his Schul to pray - to ask where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw
Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi.
After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his arm on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, I
know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the
wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off."
Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice - but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he
had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do.
On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the
fuselage. And - it worked!! The next test flight went perfectly!
Brimming with joy, Bernie went to the Schul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the
rabbi, "I never doubted it would."
"But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?"
"Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many,
many times. And in all those years, not once -- NOT ONCE -- has the matzo broken on the perforation!"
A young girl died and went to Heaven. Saint Peter said, "Before I let you in, you have to pass a test." "Oh, no!" she said. Saint Peter said, "Don't worry. This is easy. Just answer this question: Who was God's Son?" The girl thought and finally she said, "Andy!" Saint Peter said, "Andy?" The girl said, "We sang it in church: Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own."
Q: What's black and white, black and white, black and white, and black
and blue?
A: A nun that fell down the stairs.
The Lady and the Athiest
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday when the lady prayed the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.
One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself. "Hmph . . .I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.
When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"
Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was . . .
She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"
Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective
Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and
answered..
"1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today
and
Tomorrow."
"2. There are 12 seconds in a year."
"3. God's first name is Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was Howard?" Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc......"
"OK, I give" said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name ?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the prayer...' Our Father who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name...."
Saint Peter let him in without further ado.
A pastor was out hiking in the woods one Sunday after the service and it being the Lords day and all he left his gun at home. Soon enough he runs straight into a bear. A hungry bear. The good man starts to run for his life and the bear gives chase, The pastor sees a tree up ahead and quickly climbs up it. The bear is angry now and is banging on the tree and making the most horrible noises the man had ever heard. He prayed " Oh Lord, you saved Daniel from the lions den and Jonah from the belly of the whale and then, but one request Lord if I dare-if you can't help me, won't you PLEASE help that bear?!" Well the bear succeeds in knocking the tree down and the pastor is off and running again. The bear catches up to the pastor at the river. and they fight. what a breath taking sight-the bear and pastor rolling around engaged in mortal combat. at one point they manage to roll into the water. and much to the pastors relief, the bear crawls out of the water and runs off. The Good man prayed again. "Lord you saved Daniel from the lions den and Jonah from the belly of the whale and then but Lord one comment if I dare--the hardest work I have ever done was to baptize That Bear!!!"
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."
Sunday school teacher was discussing the
Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the
commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is
there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,
"Thou shall not kill."
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her- "Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you".
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word", the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
16 Biblical Ways To Get A Wife
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
A group of scientists was sitting around discussing who was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore. Finally, one of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.
So the scientist says to God, "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking, and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas. We've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."
God nods understandingly and says: "I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What d'ya think?"
The scientist says: "Sure I'm all for it. What kind of contest?"
God: "A man-making contest."
The scientist: "Sure! No problem." The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says: "Okay, I'm ready!"
And God says: "No, no, no! You have to use your own dirt."
Click here for the "Horse Religion" page
A woman goes to the post office to buy
stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, " O my goodness. Has it come to this? Well, then give me 6
Catholic, 12 Protestants and 32 Baptists."
Contributed by Lana Y.
The new pastor was visiting in the homes
of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,
but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote
"Revelation 3:20" on the back and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had
been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of
laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was
naked."
Contributed by Lana Y.
Everything I need to know about life, I
learned from Noah's Ark...
1) Don't miss the boat.
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
4) Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something
really big.
5) Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6) Build your future on high ground.
7) For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8) Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9) When you're stressed, float a while.
10) Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
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