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Guides for Red Necks


A REDNECK'S GUIDE TO COMPUTERS

LOG ON: Makin' the wood stove hotter
LOG OFF: Don't add no wood to the stove
MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup
MEGA HERTZ: What happens to yer foot if yer not careful downloadin'
FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from carryn' too much firewood
RAM: The hydraulic dodad that splits the firewood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin' home in the winter season
PROMPT: What ya wish the mail was in the winter
WINDOWS: Whatcha shut when it's 30 degrees outside
SCREEN: Whatcha need for the mosquito season
BYTE: That's what them skeeters do
CHIP: What to munch on during HeeHaw
MICRO CHIP: What's left in the bottom of the bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hayfields
DOT MATRIX: Farmer Bubba's wife
LAP TOP: Where the little kids feel comfy after supper
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang yer keys
SOFTWARE: Them plastic eatin' utensils
MOUSE: What's eatin the animals' grain
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy wine for guests
ENTER: C'mon in!


If Windows were put out by rednecks....

Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.Occasionally, you would bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.

Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right!," "Naw", or "Git."

Instead of "Ta-da!" the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".

The "Recycle Bin" in Winders would be an outhouse. (It should be anyway !)

Instead of "VP," Mikersoft big shots would be called "Cuz."

Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.

Four words:  Daisy Duke Screen Saver.

Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.

Mikersoft CEO Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

Internet addresses would begin with "dubya.dubya.dubya."

"When your software goes down, you would no longer receive the message."

"A fatal exception has occurred," but rather "You gone and done it now ! "


A REDNECK'S VALENTINE TO HIS DARLIN'

Kudzu is green,
My dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
To have a sweet thang like you.


Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.


You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyways.


You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.


You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.


On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta my wits.


And speakin' of wits,
You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you fell fur me
Back in ... 94?


Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.


Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.


Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.


Yo're as cute as a junebug
A-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant
Upon which I oft' tread.


Cut from the best pattern
Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life
Like a Rattletrap shad.


When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.


Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.


And when you get old
Like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.


Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.


Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.


Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.


I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new TROLLIN' MOTOR!

Contributed by Sue Pearson


A Redneck's Guide to Medical Terms:

Coma...........................A punctuation mark.
D & C...........................Where Washington is.
Dilate..........................To live long.
Enema..........................Not a friend.
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...........................A small lie.
Genital.........................Non-Jewish person.
G.I. Series.................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail......................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid.........................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.......................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.............................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test.
Pelvis.............................Second Cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.
Rectum.........................damn near killed him.
Secretion....................Hiding something.
Seizure........................Roman emperor.
Tablet..........................A small table.
Terminal Illness.......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor..........................A couple extra.
Urine............................Opposite of you're out.
Varicose......................Near by/close by.


Redneck Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.

When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.

Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.

When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.

Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.

Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.

If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.

Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.

Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.


Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these here beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and

each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir", said Earl. "We're on The Patch."


MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
   "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1.  Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2.  Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3.  For the groom, at least, rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4.  Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1.  Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2.  When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3.  Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4.  When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5.  Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Click here for the "You Might Be A Redneck If..." page.


A Redneck's Pictorial Guide To Swimming Pools:

Contributed by E. Sprous


 

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